I am so frustrated at the moment. It's like i've lost complete control over everything. My entire life is in chaos and it's maddening. There is so much stress with being with the boys all day....and night. I have little help, cooperation, appreciation, and more of the tsk, tsk. I know it's Halloween but I really don't need to be living a nightmare. As if everything wasn't up in arms enough. Where do I even begin to relax and be happy, without a cup of coffee or a treat. The all to consuming lifestyle of which I live has less motivation on me than I realized. I don't make the effort to excersise or watch my diet, and don't make the effort to really make this house a clean home. I've given up in looking for employment and I have no desire to be with my husband in any way. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I want to make this all work out because I want us to get back to that point we once found; where we were a real family. Today, that's just not happening. God, forgive me if I did or said anything wrong that may have made this happen. Dad, if I worried you or upset you I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to find myself and to fix everything that's broken and falling apart that sometimes I can only find happiness in the past when a real, loving, and commited family was there. I grew up in an atmosphere where my parents were loving, fun, concerned disiplinarians. We had a real childhood; my sister and I. We enjoyed experiences with my Mom and Dad that to this day, we are so appeciateve of. Those days were carefreee and happy. I have wonderful memories that make me smile and cry. Lately, i've felt the need to breakdown and cry it all out. The need to dance, to let out my tension through excersise or creation. I'm limited though, with the children's constant outbursts. One of the first things, is to regain control over everything. This includes the anxiety I feel about moving forward. I'm scared. I'm scared about my health, i'm scared that i'll end up going through what my Mother is right now. I just want to have fun, to get healthy with excersie and the willpower I found three years ago. Sitting on my butt, eating Cheetos and drinking soda and coffee while I lazily do household chores, letting my hair go wildly untamed, not tending to any ounce of trying to make myself look good, while I wallow in the thought that life is against me and that i'll never be anything but...this has become my daily life.
I resent my husband with each passing day as he goes to work, and builds his body. He leaves the house and joins the neighbors outside and gets toasted; all the while, ignoring the sounds of tribulation that is going on in his own house. He focuses on his looks, maintaining his physical features and sleeping without disturbance. He doesn't sit down and worry about his health, he worrys about how long it will take to buy a house or a new car he knows we are so far off from "able to afford." Meanwhile, I fight and I struggle to fix the tears, the rips and the holes that have begun to sink us.

I am a human being with concerns, wants, needs, and feelings. Why should I have to endure all of this on my own? Why do I have to take the blame for all the screaming and yelling the Why do the kids only talk to me, lean only on me? They have a Father; they can share the load with him but no. I need a prayer....


Dearest Mother Mary,
I pray to you with all my heart, I come before you with an open heart for your help. Oh, Mother how hard things have been. The cloud of chaos within my family is constantly pursuing us. I feel so alone in the raising of these boys. C's trouble is more than I would have bargained for. I can't seem to find a way to control him and his temper/hittng. J can't seem to sleep through the night. His once soft cry is now a deafening hauole.
Mother, i'm so very afraid, i'm frustrated. Please, send your son/ Jesus to blese this house and this family individually. Protects us from harm, danger, and evil and may we be released of our tensions and feel free and happ. Amen.