I am so frustrated at the moment. It's like i've lost complete control over everything. My entire life is in chaos and it's maddening. There is so much stress with being with the boys all day....and night. I have little help, cooperation, appreciation, and more of the tsk, tsk. I know it's Halloween but I really don't need to be living a nightmare. As if everything wasn't up in arms enough. Where do I even begin to relax and be happy, without a cup of coffee or a treat. The all to consuming lifestyle of which I live has less motivation on me than I realized. I don't make the effort to excersise or watch my diet, and don't make the effort to really make this house a clean home. I've given up in looking for employment and I have no desire to be with my husband in any way. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I want to make this all work out because I want us to get back to that point we once found; where we were a real family. Today, that's just not happening. God, forgive me if I did or said anything wrong that may have made this happen. Dad, if I worried you or upset you I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to find myself and to fix everything that's broken and falling apart that sometimes I can only find happiness in the past when a real, loving, and commited family was there. I grew up in an atmosphere where my parents were loving, fun, concerned disiplinarians. We had a real childhood; my sister and I. We enjoyed experiences with my Mom and Dad that to this day, we are so appeciateve of. Those days were carefreee and happy. I have wonderful memories that make me smile and cry. Lately, i've felt the need to breakdown and cry it all out. The need to dance, to let out my tension through excersise or creation. I'm limited though, with the children's constant outbursts. One of the first things, is to regain control over everything. This includes the anxiety I feel about moving forward. I'm scared. I'm scared about my health, i'm scared that i'll end up going through what my Mother is right now. I just want to have fun, to get healthy with excersie and the willpower I found three years ago. Sitting on my butt, eating Cheetos and drinking soda and coffee while I lazily do household chores, letting my hair go wildly untamed, not tending to any ounce of trying to make myself look good, while I wallow in the thought that life is against me and that i'll never be anything but...this has become my daily life.
I resent my husband with each passing day as he goes to work, and builds his body. He leaves the house and joins the neighbors outside and gets toasted; all the while, ignoring the sounds of tribulation that is going on in his own house. He focuses on his looks, maintaining his physical features and sleeping without disturbance. He doesn't sit down and worry about his health, he worrys about how long it will take to buy a house or a new car he knows we are so far off from "able to afford." Meanwhile, I fight and I struggle to fix the tears, the rips and the holes that have begun to sink us.

I am a human being with concerns, wants, needs, and feelings. Why should I have to endure all of this on my own? Why do I have to take the blame for all the screaming and yelling the Why do the kids only talk to me, lean only on me? They have a Father; they can share the load with him but no. I need a prayer....


Dearest Mother Mary,
I pray to you with all my heart, I come before you with an open heart for your help. Oh, Mother how hard things have been. The cloud of chaos within my family is constantly pursuing us. I feel so alone in the raising of these boys. C's trouble is more than I would have bargained for. I can't seem to find a way to control him and his temper/hittng. J can't seem to sleep through the night. His once soft cry is now a deafening hauole.
Mother, i'm so very afraid, i'm frustrated. Please, send your son/ Jesus to blese this house and this family individually. Protects us from harm, danger, and evil and may we be released of our tensions and feel free and happ. Amen.

Art-turo! Kata-rena!

Art has always been a passion of mine. I really got into it several years ago, when I took a college course in Humanities. Our instructor; Mr. Gardener is such an inspiration in himself that he motivated my love of photography and art. It's just something so surpassed by the human eye on a daily basis. Art has no real definition. You cannot define art as just a single work alone, it's everywhere and everything. Art is found in a rainfall, a cloud of breath in winter, a dance, a filmed scene, etc. It's overlooked, greatly overlooked. There's a feeling that it gives off that I consider the feather tickle of a muse.

I'm not a very vintage person, but I love the poses done in 1950's artwork. Photos and posters, advertisements and drawings have so much fun to them. They are so innocently sexy, and the way they incorporate the housewife as sort of a hidden sex symbol. Something I can greatly appreciate, being one myself. It's classy with edge, like "Gypsy Rosalie".

Today I decided to do a few poses in black and white. It was for fun, for trial, and for practice. I call it my "Ode to black and white". It was fun and a lot of the pics came out great. I couldn't help but notice a hint of Marilyn Monroe in some of my poses. After all, she was an icon of beauty and classic sexiness. So much so, she was the inspiration of Andy Warhol. Poses she has done, has been re-enacted in various stints, and by various persons, not to mention her look.

Other than that, the husband and I have made up for the time being. I don't know how long it will take for things to sour again, but i'm expecting it. We had a great time together. He wants me to move back into our bedroom. I don't know if it will matter much. There is the question of moving again. I have some doubts and some excitements. Here, we endure heat and lack privacy. It's something we both agree on. The distance though, and the people around this new area may drive him further away. Right now, he disappears and I know what it will be like. We have cultural differences, and miscommunications. I want to figure out what he wants and I'd like him to see what I'm searching for too. My boys are the main priority, I want them to have happiness not abuse or separation. Deep down, I know he doesn't want that for them either. He has to admit to his problems. He is a control freak, and maybe without my knowledge of it; so am I. He has standards, and my standards are very limited. I am an art nerd, with sensitivities. He is a yard man with a penchant for upgrading cell phones. We are so different. We need to find what we agree on and work with that.

It Keeps Getting Better....Not Really

It's October 1st! My favorite time of year has finally arrived. Can you say pumpkins, autumn colors, rain! There is just something so warm and comforting about the Fall and Winter. For the first time, since we moved here we experienced heavy rain. We got caught in the Subway restaurant, because of the rain. It was amazing to sleep to the sound and that cool chill.

The husband was in a nice mood when he got home, but I kept my distance. I was waiting for a sincere apology. Things were fine until we got back home from Subway. He said he had to go outside to get his sneakers before they got wet. He left the stove on, and me with the boys. He just disappeared. When he came back in a long while later, he seemed to be acting strangely. I think he joined the guys at the table outside, who were drinking. He claims he didn't drink but I really can't trust him to tell me the 100% truth.

He was supposed to be watching the baby, when I went into my room. He had plopped himself down in-front of the t.v. and just ignored what was going on around him. The baby crawled all the way to my room. So, naturally I picked him up and took him to the hubby. He actually got upset and started telling the kids to get dressed because he was taking them out. It's his usual way of psyching my out, to think he's going to leave with the boys. When I asked him about it, he got more upset. Long story short, things got near physical with me. He got into my face, he shoved me, he pulled me out of the way when I tried to get to the baby. He was playing head games with me. I took the babies and went into my room where I locked the door. I thought about calling the police to talk to him, but I didn't.

I had wondered why I hadn't cried over all this. I wasn't sure why the tears weren't coming with all this problems but I don't have to ask. I broke down and my babies hugged me. He apparently left the house, but I think he heard me crying and instead went to his room. I found a note of apology, on the floor near my door. I hung it up on the fridge. In the morning, he came into my room and kissed the boys before heading off to work. He said he knew I wouldn't forgive him, then he kissed my forehead and looked sad. He went off to work.

He keeps showing me more and more that this situation is not being taken seriously. He really doesn't see how bad things are getting because he is so deep in denial. He isn't making any serious efforts or attempts to fix things. Most of all, he isn't doing it for the kids. A note, an i'm sorry, it means nothing without the the action. It's just all talk.

I'm broken-hearted.