I am so frustrated at the moment. It's like i've lost complete control over everything. My entire life is in chaos and it's maddening. There is so much stress with being with the boys all day....and night. I have little help, cooperation, appreciation, and more of the tsk, tsk. I know it's Halloween but I really don't need to be living a nightmare. As if everything wasn't up in arms enough. Where do I even begin to relax and be happy, without a cup of coffee or a treat. The all to consuming lifestyle of which I live has less motivation on me than I realized. I don't make the effort to excersise or watch my diet, and don't make the effort to really make this house a clean home. I've given up in looking for employment and I have no desire to be with my husband in any way. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I want to make this all work out because I want us to get back to that point we once found; where we were a real family. Today, that's just not happening. God, forgive me if I did or said anything wrong that may have made this happen. Dad, if I worried you or upset you I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to find myself and to fix everything that's broken and falling apart that sometimes I can only find happiness in the past when a real, loving, and commited family was there. I grew up in an atmosphere where my parents were loving, fun, concerned disiplinarians. We had a real childhood; my sister and I. We enjoyed experiences with my Mom and Dad that to this day, we are so appeciateve of. Those days were carefreee and happy. I have wonderful memories that make me smile and cry. Lately, i've felt the need to breakdown and cry it all out. The need to dance, to let out my tension through excersise or creation. I'm limited though, with the children's constant outbursts. One of the first things, is to regain control over everything. This includes the anxiety I feel about moving forward. I'm scared. I'm scared about my health, i'm scared that i'll end up going through what my Mother is right now. I just want to have fun, to get healthy with excersie and the willpower I found three years ago. Sitting on my butt, eating Cheetos and drinking soda and coffee while I lazily do household chores, letting my hair go wildly untamed, not tending to any ounce of trying to make myself look good, while I wallow in the thought that life is against me and that i'll never be anything but...this has become my daily life.
I resent my husband with each passing day as he goes to work, and builds his body. He leaves the house and joins the neighbors outside and gets toasted; all the while, ignoring the sounds of tribulation that is going on in his own house. He focuses on his looks, maintaining his physical features and sleeping without disturbance. He doesn't sit down and worry about his health, he worrys about how long it will take to buy a house or a new car he knows we are so far off from "able to afford." Meanwhile, I fight and I struggle to fix the tears, the rips and the holes that have begun to sink us.

I am a human being with concerns, wants, needs, and feelings. Why should I have to endure all of this on my own? Why do I have to take the blame for all the screaming and yelling the Why do the kids only talk to me, lean only on me? They have a Father; they can share the load with him but no. I need a prayer....


Dearest Mother Mary,
I pray to you with all my heart, I come before you with an open heart for your help. Oh, Mother how hard things have been. The cloud of chaos within my family is constantly pursuing us. I feel so alone in the raising of these boys. C's trouble is more than I would have bargained for. I can't seem to find a way to control him and his temper/hittng. J can't seem to sleep through the night. His once soft cry is now a deafening hauole.
Mother, i'm so very afraid, i'm frustrated. Please, send your son/ Jesus to blese this house and this family individually. Protects us from harm, danger, and evil and may we be released of our tensions and feel free and happ. Amen.

Art-turo! Kata-rena!

Art has always been a passion of mine. I really got into it several years ago, when I took a college course in Humanities. Our instructor; Mr. Gardener is such an inspiration in himself that he motivated my love of photography and art. It's just something so surpassed by the human eye on a daily basis. Art has no real definition. You cannot define art as just a single work alone, it's everywhere and everything. Art is found in a rainfall, a cloud of breath in winter, a dance, a filmed scene, etc. It's overlooked, greatly overlooked. There's a feeling that it gives off that I consider the feather tickle of a muse.

I'm not a very vintage person, but I love the poses done in 1950's artwork. Photos and posters, advertisements and drawings have so much fun to them. They are so innocently sexy, and the way they incorporate the housewife as sort of a hidden sex symbol. Something I can greatly appreciate, being one myself. It's classy with edge, like "Gypsy Rosalie".

Today I decided to do a few poses in black and white. It was for fun, for trial, and for practice. I call it my "Ode to black and white". It was fun and a lot of the pics came out great. I couldn't help but notice a hint of Marilyn Monroe in some of my poses. After all, she was an icon of beauty and classic sexiness. So much so, she was the inspiration of Andy Warhol. Poses she has done, has been re-enacted in various stints, and by various persons, not to mention her look.

Other than that, the husband and I have made up for the time being. I don't know how long it will take for things to sour again, but i'm expecting it. We had a great time together. He wants me to move back into our bedroom. I don't know if it will matter much. There is the question of moving again. I have some doubts and some excitements. Here, we endure heat and lack privacy. It's something we both agree on. The distance though, and the people around this new area may drive him further away. Right now, he disappears and I know what it will be like. We have cultural differences, and miscommunications. I want to figure out what he wants and I'd like him to see what I'm searching for too. My boys are the main priority, I want them to have happiness not abuse or separation. Deep down, I know he doesn't want that for them either. He has to admit to his problems. He is a control freak, and maybe without my knowledge of it; so am I. He has standards, and my standards are very limited. I am an art nerd, with sensitivities. He is a yard man with a penchant for upgrading cell phones. We are so different. We need to find what we agree on and work with that.

It Keeps Getting Better....Not Really

It's October 1st! My favorite time of year has finally arrived. Can you say pumpkins, autumn colors, rain! There is just something so warm and comforting about the Fall and Winter. For the first time, since we moved here we experienced heavy rain. We got caught in the Subway restaurant, because of the rain. It was amazing to sleep to the sound and that cool chill.

The husband was in a nice mood when he got home, but I kept my distance. I was waiting for a sincere apology. Things were fine until we got back home from Subway. He said he had to go outside to get his sneakers before they got wet. He left the stove on, and me with the boys. He just disappeared. When he came back in a long while later, he seemed to be acting strangely. I think he joined the guys at the table outside, who were drinking. He claims he didn't drink but I really can't trust him to tell me the 100% truth.

He was supposed to be watching the baby, when I went into my room. He had plopped himself down in-front of the t.v. and just ignored what was going on around him. The baby crawled all the way to my room. So, naturally I picked him up and took him to the hubby. He actually got upset and started telling the kids to get dressed because he was taking them out. It's his usual way of psyching my out, to think he's going to leave with the boys. When I asked him about it, he got more upset. Long story short, things got near physical with me. He got into my face, he shoved me, he pulled me out of the way when I tried to get to the baby. He was playing head games with me. I took the babies and went into my room where I locked the door. I thought about calling the police to talk to him, but I didn't.

I had wondered why I hadn't cried over all this. I wasn't sure why the tears weren't coming with all this problems but I don't have to ask. I broke down and my babies hugged me. He apparently left the house, but I think he heard me crying and instead went to his room. I found a note of apology, on the floor near my door. I hung it up on the fridge. In the morning, he came into my room and kissed the boys before heading off to work. He said he knew I wouldn't forgive him, then he kissed my forehead and looked sad. He went off to work.

He keeps showing me more and more that this situation is not being taken seriously. He really doesn't see how bad things are getting because he is so deep in denial. He isn't making any serious efforts or attempts to fix things. Most of all, he isn't doing it for the kids. A note, an i'm sorry, it means nothing without the the action. It's just all talk.

I'm broken-hearted.

The "D" Word

Is this what it has come to? I know I shouldn't start a post off with a question, but off the top of my head that's what I get. I have been married for 3 years and 4 months. Together we have a family of active boys. Our love story was a quick one. We met in college, we dated for 6 months, were engaged for 2 months, got married, and was pregnant the next. It was all very quick but we weren't worried about that. We were in love, and that was what we wanted. I had remained single for 9 years before that, no dating. I was fine, I wasn't looking.

Marriage to me was what I had growing up. My parents were great, with or without the struggles they faced. When my Dad passed away, my Mom had been his nurse and stayed by him. My Dad fought to be with us. He loved us so much. Their love is something you rarely find. They never gave up on eachother. Even though my Dad has been gone for some years, my Mom has never let that love go and I believe my Dad is always with her.
 So, divorce was not an option for me. Not because my family said, "no" but because I was determined; am determined, to make it work. The saying however, that it takes two to tango applies here. I can't be the only one willing to try, change, work for our union to pass the test of time. Right now, I don't know where we stand. I've moved out of our bedroom and into a room of my own. I have asked him to leave twice already, with him actually leaving once. We've had screaming fights, said hurtful things. I frankly can't say how much I trust him to be honest with me anymore. He's lied to me several times with a straight face and a promise to God. I; on the other hand, I am brutally honest with him. He takes issue with my oldest son, pushing him away. He has a bad temper, that leads to near physical confrontations with my teen. My son says he hate's him. Our first born together; now 2 used to worship him. That changed drastically when he began showing his temper and acting aggresively toward the boy's terrible two tantrums. He can't handle the noise, crying, the being "bothered" when wanting to watch t.v. or sleep. He critizes my weight, tells me I don't know how to dress and what I need to dress in. He gets angry when I use phrases like.."I told you a million times." He has expectations of us, the house, the world I guess, that is not full-filled. He takes so much pride in how he looks to certain people, that if our children throw even a minor tantrum, or I say the wrong thing he is embarrassed and he will only show it through closed doors. Everything needs to be hidden. He loves himself, his car, his job, his friends/co-workers, too much.

Work doesn't always pay by the dollar

I don't have a paying job, I am a stay-at-home mother. I work all day cleaning our home, raising our children, preparing them for pre-school, arguing with my teen and listening to his complaints about what other kids can do and he can't, and how rules suck. I try to fit a nap in, but that's dangerously impossible because if one of the boys get up before I do who knows what he will get in to. I try to motivate myself to excersise, so I go on walks with the boys. I'm so tired, that most times I skip out and find it easier to eat something sweet to make me happy. I shy away from parties, but I love to take the boys on family trips. I love the reaction of the kids when they see the ocean, the boats, or large trucks. Going to the store to buy art or items for the house is fun. I love decorating every detail, a clean house, the holiday excitement, and birthdays. The kids and I cuddle up and read or we dance to " Imagination Movers." I get up at 2:30 in the morning to have time to myself and even then I'm still on FT Mommy duty.

He's like a Chameleon, always changing.

The husband and I have become a contrast. We can't see eye to eye, and I don't know if we really love eachother anymore. He looks at me with irritation, disgust, and boredom. I stay away from him. He likes to control everything, and ignore me. I let him do it, and I can't anymore. I know the right thing is to move forward with our lives and concentrate on the boys. Our lives, our "personal" lives needs to change. He needs to check his priorities and get some anger management. I need to find the strength inside to leave him alone.

Livin La Vida Loca...sort of



LOV3



What a day! I should have seen the Full Moon coming. Things just wouldn't go right today! Well, I can't say it was that bad, but the boys were really out of control. I'm so glad it's the weekend and my hubby is home. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with him. It was so nice of him to take the family out for pizza. Poor guy was exhausted, but his efforts are sweet...and I got the hug I was waiting for all day!





"Go through the house and introduce your self slowly"



What is it going to take to get this house in order? It's crazy how I can wake up at 7:am and still have a trashed house at 4:30pm. Ridiculous. This has become a habitual routine for this family, and i'm not pleased. I had hoped to get the house looking so incredible that when the guys got home they would be surprised. It seems even that has worn out it's welcome. I know it needs a few touches of things here and there. It's needs a little TLC. In the movie; "Under the Tuscan Sun" Diane Lane's character narrates a part where she talks about introducing yourself to the home. Slowy getting to know it and letting it get to know you. It's true. When we moved in, it was so fast. Now, we are possibly moving again. I'll need to keep this statement in mind for the next one. It's not that this house has anything "wrong" with it, it's that it's in an area of the island that is very, very hot and humid. Not to mention, there is a lot of construction going on what with the new gymnasium and few new homes that the place; not just the house is covered and littered with red and black dust. I so miss carpeting, I need to request that for the new place. I hope that place is not a bad deceision.

With Halloween right around the corner, i've been thinking about costumes and decor. My 2 year old has the costume idea covered. I think i mentioned before that buying elaborate and costly costumes were out. We are gonna try face-painting. "Confetti on the Go" does a great job using a easily removable powder based makeup. The kids get in the shower and the makeup just comes right off. We are looking at a family of superheroes. Look out everyone, here comes WonderMom!



Yummy!

 I haven't stuck to my plan for eating. I ate white rice, I had oily soup, I ate ice cream, chocolate, hot dogs, soda, and pizza with oil, lots of cheese and salt. Bad Girl! I feel like i've gained weight. I'm not happy with myself for that. I need to excersise more will-power. This is not going to be as easy as I thought. This weekend's grocery trip is going to be a low snack, high produce trip. It's good for the whole family. The heat I talked about, is going to be my extra weapon to getting a sweat induced workout. Grab that belly bandit, turn up that volume and let's get loud!





Here's to a romantic weekend....I hope.





Life is Tweet

   

 Lately, I have become a Twitter fan. I'm not sure i'm using it correctly but I must be doing something right. I'd say I've graduated from Facebook to Twitter. Tweeting is so much fun, and a great way to keep up with some of my favorite shows and celebrities. My husband can't understand this. He is just not into these forums and outlets. That's fine with me. He's pretty traditional and that's his prerogative.

 
Today marks the first day (again) that I take that bold step to controlling my weight. I am cutting out bad carbs, cheese, salts, sugars, high oil contents, high fat contents, and rice of all types. This definitely going to be a challenge because I find absolute pleasure in foods; like desserts. I'll need to really pull out some will-power. However, I notice that when I really get into my excersise I don't feel like I want to eat so much, and I crave less. This will come as a big announcement to my husband, but I think we should do a 4-5 mile walk or hike this weekend. We did it once with his company for a Heart Health benefit. To get him to do it for personal reasons is going to prove difficult.


Just a pic off the web.


 Fall is here! I love the Autumn season and all it's colors. We don't get much of a change here in Hawaii, but you can feel some difference. I'm already gearing up for Halloween. I've added some hauntingly cute window clings, and an orange tablecloth, and pumpkin. I usually do a Jack-O'-Lantern but i'll pass on it this year. I found a ceramic traditional pumpkin at Ross for only $4.99! It's cute and is perfect for all Fall holidays. I'm sure one of my littles will expect to be dressed as Spiderman this year. If we can get his face painted instead of the expensive (use once) costume, it would be such a money saver.    
  
 Today I have to beat the mess. I promise you, nothing stays immaculate for more than 3 days. I guess I shouldn't expect immaculate, just if you can't see it it's clean. I just can't do that though. I have to clean every inch and detail for me to really have that "ahhhh." moment. My husband does not agree. His version is clean quick, get it out of the way, deal with the excess later. To make things a little more difficult, I have a guest coming in the late-afternoon. Better start speed cleaning, dolls!


Here's To Another Cup of Coffee!